We lived with my wife 30 years old. Children Adults. I recently revealed my wife’s treason with a work colleague, he is 21 years older than her. Their connection lasted 10 years. Now she says that she was mistaken and that she loves me. I do not believe anything, I can not forgive, but I also love her. What to do?
Nikolay, 53 years old
Nikolai, what is happening is painful, insulting and suddenly. Your feelings are contradictory, the usual supports are destroyed – and it is very clear that you are now in confusion and misunderstanding, what to do next.
Can you afford to make decisions now, but give yourself time? Under pressure from emotions, solutions can be hasty and not those that come from your real feelings and desires.
Give yourself time to live what you feel now. Perhaps this is shock, grief or anger. What happened is very offensive. Listen to yourself and ask yourself the question: how are you now?
You and your wife have a long experience of living together, and it happens that we don’t see something in the closest person, we don’t know him to the end, we don’t understand what is happening on his heart. And when such facts are opened, this is thunder as a clear sky, the whole usual picture of the world collapses.
You ask what to do, but you can find an answer in your soul to this question. And for this you will have to look deeper, to feelings of pain and resentment. Do you allow the idea to forgive your wife, or this thought is unbearable? Do you have an intention to maintain a marriage or have you already decided to divorce?
It is important for you to determine what you are ready to go for the sake of the family and what is not. Any solution will be correct if it comes from your inner deep sensations, and not from emotions or ideas “as it should be”.
I can assume that perhaps there is a lot of doubts inside you, there is no understanding and confidence in your feelings and decisions. In this case, I would suggest you try to understand what happened in your relationship with your wife these 10 years, and
make clarity where “white spots” remain for you.
You wrote that the wife calls other relationships a mistake, but are usually mistaken only once.
It can be very painful for you, but if you look deeper in this topic, you can find a lot of answers to your questions there for yourself. Your wife did not become a different person at the moment when her betrayal became obvious. This is the same woman with whom you lived for the past 10 years.
That she encouraged her to build relationships with another person? What she was looking for and received there? And what happened at that time between you in the family? How your relationship was built? Have you seen that in your relationship something is wrong? Why did she stay with you? What is all the value of your family and you for her?
Treason can become both a gap point and a moment that allows you to see each other that you have not seen before. I don’t know how it will be with you and is it possible in your pair. When the first heavy emotions subside, I would suggest you talk to your wife about what happened between you.
Try to understand what she was looking for in other respects and did not receive in your. Speak your experiences. And only then, relying on your feelings and understanding of what is happening, make a calm and conscious decision. Perhaps by that time it will come by itself.
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